First Session

In our first session, we'll take time to get to know one another.

Each of you has space to share what you would like me to know about you.

Together, we'll pay attention to the differences that make a difference, such as gender identity, skin color, how the absence or presence affects you, and any other aspects of your life that matter to you.

I will also ask each of you what would make these sessions feel promising or meaningful for you. Your answers may differ. In fact, I expect that you may arrive with slightly different intentions or longings. And that is completely okay.

Check-In

Every session begins with a moment to arrive.

We'll take time to notice how it is for you, for your beloved(s), and in the shared space between us.

You’ll have an opportunity to check in with where your attention naturally goes: what feels most present, or what is asking for care. Your beloved(s) will do the same.

From there, we explore together where our focus wants to go in this session.

Tracking: getting to know your protectors’ dances

In a safe and steady setting, we'll make room for each person’s inner world.

You'll begin to notice when your parts slide into your driver's seat when things feel tense, or vulnerable, and why. You learn how to listen to your parts with more Self-energy, compassion, and curiosity.

Together, we'll identify the patterns that tend to repeat in your relational dynamic(s).

These patterns exist for good reasons. By staying curious about those reasons, we will get to know your protectors as well as the tender places inside that they work so hard to guard.

In other words: you come to therapy to get to know yourself.

In relational sessions, you get to know both yourself and your Important Other(s) more intimately: through your protectors as well as through the parts that have been exiled.

Being witnessed in your vulnerability, and witnessing the vulnerability of those you love, creates deep connection. Suddenly, protective impulses become so much easier to understand.

Becoming a Selfled needs ambassador

Together, we'll create the conditions in which you can get to know yourself more clearly and open more fully to your beloved(s).

When our protectors feel truly understood, they often allow more access to our hearts.
Bit by bit, we earn their trust.

Protectors are rarely our best ambassadors.

In fact, they often create the opposite of what we truly long for:

• more distance instead of closeness

• more guardedness instead of intimacy

• less sexual pleasure instead of more

When your protectors begin to trust you and are willing to collaborate with you, you naturally become a Self-led ambassadorfor your needs.

Self-led relating makes shared life richer.

It means you can stay open to the Other’s “yes,” “no,” and “enthusiastic maybe.”

In this way, you create a shared field of deep respect for your beloved(s).
And that is what opens the path to genuine relational adventure.

Healing and growing together

Inner and shared exploration through IFIO sessions can enrich your life. Being together can truly be so much more supportive and nourishing than moving through the world alone.

Mind you: from a queer perspective, I wholeheartedly believe that intimate friendships are just as important as intimate partners.

So, whoever your significant Other is, imagine them:

• being genuinely close to you
  
• with whom you experience real intimacy
  
• someone with whom you can shape sexual pleasure in a way that works for you both

Your relationships will cease to the site in which old patterns are repeated, but will become the field in which you can heal and grow together.

Co-regulation and courageous conversations

When you are willing to turn inward in the presence of your Important Other as a witness, healing wants to happen.

Together you learn to speak on behalf of your parts instead of from your parts. This makes it easier to feel compassion for yourself and for the Other when you do slip into part-led communication.

Our Self is easier for the Other to understand than our parts.

“Something in me feels startled or afraid or angry or sad when you're doing that” is much easier to take in than “Why do you always do that!”

Protectors activate protectors.

Exiles activate exiles.

Self evokes Self.

The more you begin to experience yourself and the Other as systems of Self and parts, the more understanding and curiosity grows for the patterns you share.

Then space opens. Space for softness. Space for repair. Perhaps even space for a moment of being alone, so that you can reconnect again with more clarity.

From rupture to repair to choice

Nothing is wrong when conflict shows up again. When you feel friction again. That is part of relationships.

What matters is that awareness of your patterns and curiosity about each other’s parts create more choice in every moment.

IFIO offers tools to move through these cycles together, from trust, through friction, into repair, and ultimately into choice in every moment.

A little more skill each time.

A little more love for yourself and for the Other.

As a therapist, I am especially a good fit for sensitive, reflective people.

Most of my clients are people who want to live beyond the imprint of social norms: folks who want to truly discover themselves and the Other.

Folks who want to explore together, even when things feel genuinely challenging. Many of my clients are queer folks, therapists, creatives, and thinkers.

Whether you’ve only recently come together, have been connected for many years, or are wondering where your relationship is heading: you are welcome.

• At the beginning: to consciously shape a loving life together
  
• In the middle:  in the midst of tension, or in re-designing your relationship together
  
• At the end or at a crossroads: to discover what is still possible